I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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