He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
