The maid of honor just puked.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
