My room smells like vodka and shame
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
