she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
