so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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