Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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