I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
