it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
