I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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