$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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