im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I lost the right to judge tonight
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
