just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
