i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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