I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
