Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
