went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
