in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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