Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
