My sheets look like a crime scene.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
