So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
