he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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