Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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