i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
