And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
