I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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