Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
