just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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