I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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