Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Randomize
