everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I want her autograph on my taint
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
