Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
