I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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