Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
