i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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