My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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