Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
