i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
