Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
