The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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