I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
