Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I love you.
Bad choice
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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