hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
