Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
