i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
