so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
