I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
