I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
