I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
