Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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