it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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