Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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